Dear HR,

We’re all no doubt aware, after years of David Attenborough documentaries on the natural world, of the behaviour of predators in the wild. How often have we seen images of the ‘Big Cats’ hiding in the long grass, patiently waiting for their prey to drop their guard even for a minute only to strike.

I wish this was limited to the animal kingdom, but today the harsh reality of the corporate jungle once more reared its ugly head, exposing the sordid underbelly of the hyper sexualised harassing culture that pervades life in TechReCorp.

Now I can recognise that after my extensive travel over the summer to far flung climes that the air of mystique I normally exude has been dramatically magnified. Indeed my numerous conversations on my explorations of ground zero of  ‘Ancient Alien’ theory has no doubt created a patina of  academic depth that modesty prevents me from easily accepting. But despite all this, it is not licence for those of a lower moral grounding to reinitiate their programme of subtle, and not so subtle, harassment.

Let me explain today’s goings on. As I arrived into the office this morning – conveyed on my carbon neutral preferred mode of transport – I happened across Ms. Goodman. Now I’m not suggesting that she was in any way waiting for my arrival, but suspiciously she was investigating an empty shower area outside of the TechReCorp office area, holding open the normally secure door. ‘You should take this one’ she suggested – under normal circumstances innocent enough, but of course given her track record, I was immediately nervous. Then, and again you might think coincidence but I would argue to the contrary, the door to shower room with the compromised lock suddenly opened – ‘No’ she exclaimed, ‘use this one’.

Well you can imagine it was a suggestion dripping with venom, I had sudden images of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang offering ‘lovely goodies’ to the children. Had I been less guarded, I could have found myself caught in the trap – honestly I was terrified, frozen to the spot. Thankfully at that very moment the final shower room door opened from where Ivan emerged, much to the delight of my nemesis.

‘I’ll take this one’ she said.

It was like a scene from ‘IT’.

I nearly rang home to settle my nerves, but since they’ve announced the Downton Abbey movie Delilah has been hitting the Sherry a little harder than one would like, and earlier in the day – by about lunch time she’s shouting abuse that ‘That Bitch Mary’ and making vague allusions to Hugh Bonneville – ‘He’sh come a long way since that failed restaurant’ – she often gets Notting Hill confused in that way, but I’ve learned to just let it go – I do make a point of hiding the opiates though, codeine and sherry doesn’t lead to good outcomes for her. 

So once more I find myself cowering at my desk, jumping at the slightest thing.

When will this end?

Regards,

Alexander

Dear HR,

I’m going to assume that this communication doesn’t come as a complete surprise. The Dublin office, strategically supported by key members of the London office held the TechReCorp annual summer party just yesterday, but it seems so long ago now.

The general theme of this event seems to be ritual humiliation followed by forced inebriation thinly disguised as team building and socialising.

For my part I had a small meditation session planned as part of my therapy to recover from the last incident. As a result I was unavailable to participate in the team building aspects of the day. In the interests of spending some time with the staff – you know how I like to share my wisdom and experience with those more junior than I – I had anticipated joining the group at the identified hotel for some tea and watercress sandwiches.

Well you can only imagine the scene I walked in to.

Sodom and Gomorrah would have paled into insignificance by comparison. Alcoholic beverages flowed like a river of sinful lubrication alongside a ‘barbeque’ that I would suggest had more in comparison with the pagan party that greeted Moses as he descended from the mount. Some poor fatted calf had clearly been sacrificed and then cruelly ground into ‘patties’ to be ignominiously squeezed between two buns. As a vegetarian, I could not have been more disturbed.

Or at least I would have thought so.

Despite these initial reactions, I needed to be strong, I felt that the people like to meet their betters every now again so I pushed on. Well, little did I know that this was some sort of annual convention of the TechReCorp pagan coven. Bad enough that we had Predator Goodman in her element but now joined by her cabal of familiars in the form of Ms. Moore and Ms. VanTramp next thing I know the queen bee herself descended upon the crowd – none other than your own Mrs. Ophelia Gibson-Dicks.

I don’t think I’m going too far to say that it was like watching the hounds at a fox hunt – the target was identified, taunted, surrounded and then torn to shreds in the most horrendous of manners. I had to turn away as poor Timmy Flynn was held aloft like some sacrificial goat on the shoulders of the main protagonist. ‘You little porker’ she howled – poor Timmy, the situation could only had been made worse if there was some ‘Enigma’ soundtrack playing in the background – The Principles of Lust perhaps or maybe The Voce & The Snake. It was horrific. This poor child’s innocence so cruelly snatched away – shameful and abhorrent.

It might all have ended there, but no, hypnotized as I was at this stage by the spectacle I found my soft drinks taking on a more pungent flavour – you know I think they might have been spiked! Swirling and shouting it was all too disorienting, with an increasingly tenuous connection to reality I found myself in the pit, a den of iniquity, a place of debauchery and deviation – the infamous ‘Copper Face Jacks’.

I really don’t know how to describe this place, I was reminded of time Delilah decided to experiment by mixing Absinthe with ‘Klean Prep’ while watching that Spartacus television show – we had to throw that white couch out afterwards – I could never look at it in the same way, and certainly could never sit on it again.

Anyway, you can only image between bumping, grinding, gyrating interspersed with the whooping and howling – poor Timmy in the middle being contorted worse than that poor girl in ‘The Last Exorcism’ – god knows what they had in mind for him, I had to preserve my own sanity and make good my escape.

I saw what was left of Timmy this morning – I didn’t check him for bite marks but I suspect that it wouldn’t be difficult to find some – he’s sitting there at his desk now, hugging himself and sort of gently rocking – he’s whispering things to himself and every now again jumps up and stares in one direction or another with real fear in his eyes. I think they snapped whatever was left of his delicate mind.

My question to you, human resources, is this – how deep does this madness go? And more importantly how much longer will you let this depravity continue? I would suggest some disciplinary action, but having seen the HR representatives in action, I fear that it would be interpreted as some form of endorsement rather than admonishment – I can certainly imagine them relishing a ‘bit of punishment’.

I’m in genuine fear for my sanity now.

Please send help.

Alexander

Dear HR,

Thanks for sending on the letter, I have to admit I was surprised by the contents.

I didn’t think it was possible to be barred from and Employee Assistance service, but I guess we live and learn. I thought some of the language used was choice to say the least. Me a homophobe? – I hardly know how to spell it. But that wasn’t what caught my attention.

The reference to M. Bernie Senders was a shock to say the least. Not Mr? Not Mrs? Not Ms? No, far more sinister I think.

Nearly twenty years ago I was CTO of an encryption company where I had some dealings with GCHQ and MI5 – tiresome though it may be I once again find myself in a place where I have some experience. Now, as any Bond fan knows, James worked for MI6 – and his boss was M. 

MI5, you may be aware, deals with internal security within the UK and MI6 is foreign security – like the FBI and the CIA in the United States.

To find that M. is operating undercover in what is effectively a call centre on the face of it makes no sense, but if we suspend disbelief for a moment it makes perfect sense. What an ideal location to discover people’s vulnerabilities, which can then be manipulated for their own villainous ends. Now I’m terrified, what started off as a simple case of harassment has uncovered perhaps the greatest conspiracy in the history of the Irish state.

Wait a minute, aren’t you English too?

I don’t feel safe at all.

I will be terminating all communication forthwith. This will be my last message.

Alexander

Dear HR,

Despite the fact that Ms. Goodman will no doubt use the following information to her own nefarious ends to somehow undermine my credibility, I feel I must keep you informed.

I arrived home yesterday to an odd message from the Employee Assistance Line so I immediately called back.

I ultimately ended up speaking to somebody new – Bernie – who explained to me that there had been what was categorised as a ‘Workplace Related Incident’ during my last call with Jeremy. From what I could make out, it appears that he was in fact drinking on the job! What I originally thought was an asthmatic attack now appears to have been related to this drinking incident. From what I can gather there was some form of spillage the result of which damaged some equipment. Seemingly the nature of the issue was so severe that the Dell technicians refused to even look at the equipment.

Ultimately, Jeremy was fired for gross misconduct.

I said that I felt that the sanction was a little harsh – unless of course the beverage in question was alcoholic, in which case I could entirely understand. I’m a bit of a disciplinarian myself I pointed out. The next comment entirely confused me so I had to clarify – “Masticating?” I asked “I don’t think he was eating anything” – Bernie seemed to be puzzled by this response.

Once again, I find the quality of this service provided here less than ideal I’m afraid.

Anyway, I didn’t want to make too much of an issue of it, so I merely said that I’d like to send in a letter clarifying the service I received from Jeremy and asked to whom I should send it?

“My pronouns are They and Theirs and Them”.

Well you could have knocked me over with a feather.

I pointed out that this didn’t make sense syntactically or semantically, “They refers to a plural” I said – you may not be aware, but I worked as a Technical Writer at one point in my distant past so I know a thing or two about this – anyway ‘Bernie’ was less than polite when responding. “Madam” I said, “I am noted for my command of the English language”.

I’m trying to capture exactly how things developed from there, ‘apoplectic’ is probably the closest word that comes to mind. There followed a stream of expletives and personal attacks that is worse than when Delilah hits the Scrumpy Jack and codeine while watching Real Housewives of New Jersey. I was so shocked I had to hang up.

I think we need to reconsider our service provider to be honest.

Thanks again for all the support and consideration

Alexander

Dear Alexander,

I feel that my link to this incident is now tenuous at best and this has moved on to some form of inappropriate relationship you have struck up with “Jeremy”. We can only trust that he actually exists and this is not a fictional character that lives purely in your imagination.

In terms of the original incident that you felt so violated in relation to, you can feel safe and secure this week as I will not be wandering around the office opening doors at random.

Kind regards,

Ms. Glenda Goodman

(forgive me if you find the signoff over familiar)

Dear HR,

So thankfully there wasn’t a repeat of the incident today.

I had to explain it all to my poor wife Delilah last night, as you might imagine I was concerned that she’d hear about it at some company event – we’ve a really transparent relationship that way. ‘At least somebody’s interested’ was her only comment – she can get a bit that way, but usually only when she’s found the Tequila and the Valium at the same time – you know, bitter. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to bandage up her fingers as she tries to slice lemons in that state. Anyway, I take it with a pinch of salt – ironic since that’s how she likes her Tequila.

Thanks for the advice on the Employee Assistance Helpline – the first three times I called I had to hang up as a woman answered. I’m still a bit too fragile for that.

On the fourth call I got a lovely guy – Jeremy. As you can imagine he was equally horrified at the entire incident and the subsequent victim blaming. He was utterly charming, very empathetic – almost maternal in many ways. We talked for ages, and really seemed to you know ‘connect’ so much so that he even suggested that we should get together for a drink. He was going to some party with his friends at the weekend – it sounded like a pretty big affair, and given that I don’t drink the time it really didn’t make sense, besides I’m not into big crowds being a private person.

He was quite insistent though, I think he had got a sense of my vulnerability. I know I project this façade, but the years of unwarranted attention combined with this latest incident might just have been too much. I can only carry so much, and I think he ‘got’ that on some level. The whole situation wasn’t ideal, at this stage Delilah was kicking off like the wardens wife in ‘The Green Mile’  – when the warden said ‘I didn’t think she even knew words like that’ I could really relate. Jeremy at this stage was speaking more quietly – I presume that he didn’t want to disturb the other people in the call centre and besides the line was less than perfect so I wasn’t catching every single word that was said. Anyway, in a misguided effort to rescue me from what he perceived to be a terrible situation, out of the blue Jeremy offers me employment. Unusual, and a bit inappropriate when you consider that he’s working on an ‘Employee’ help line. I was quite adamant that this was a one off incident and not a fair reflection of TechReCorp as a whole.

Besides it’s a bit rich to be saying the ‘… Best Job Ever’ – whatever the role, clearly he doesn’t know TechReCorp.

I assume this will stay on Glenda’s permanent record for the 12 month period as recently communicated during employee handbook training. For far too long the ‘shooting stars’ of the organisation have been allowed to carry on as they like. Technical Superiority should not be an excuse to a laissez-faire attitude to other people’s dignity. We should make a poster out of that, maybe without the French bit – just to be inclusive.

So now we’re facing into the weekend, and then travelling next week, so I think the space will help with the healing. The scars never really fade though. I know it will take James a long time to get past the body shaming element but time heals all wounds.

Thanks

Alexander

And by the way your jibes on shoulder massages got poor James O’Halloran so flustered he was offering rubs to the military by the time you’d finished with him – soldier rubs indeed.

Disgraceful!

Well I might have expected this type of response from Ms. Glenda ‘Predator’ Goodman.

I’m not sure what kind of ‘prison soap rules’ upon which she normally bases her moral compass, but let me just be clear: I am not just some piece of meat here for her amusement. I don’t get this type of overt, hypersexed attention at home, I certainly don’t expect it in a professional workplace.

My wife would be horrified.

Alexander Jones

All I can say is that I am not the one who failed to lock the shower door, therefore welcoming this type of attention.

Sincerely

Glenda Goodman

Dear HR,

I’m not one for complaining, but I find myself in the uncomfortable situation where I am now being objectified in what can only be described as an overtly sexual manner.

Over the years I’ve come to recognise that my unique physique and presence holds a certain mystique and appeal to a particular subsection of society, and I have had to as a result reconcile myself to the sort of attention that naturally emerges. You might say the blind have ‘had it good’ for too long, but that would be entirely unfair to a hugely underrepresented tranche of the population.

Today, June 27 2019, through no fault of my own I became little more than a voyeuristic plaything for Ms. Glenda Goodman who surreptitiously gained  access to the shower room in which I was performing my morning ablutions. Not satisfied with this gross intrusion of my privacy, she has felt compelled to share this experience with Mr. James O’Halloran.

I’m not complaining for myself, I’ve had to deal with this type of ‘carry on’ for years, but my sympathies lie with Mr. O’Halloran. During the course of a lunchtime work out session, Ms. Goodman felt happy to pepper the conversation with lurid and unholy innuendos. As a mature person, I recognise that there’s no way for Mr. O’Halloran to compete on a simple physical level, but in many ways he is a naïve and innocent flower clearly unused to dealing with these types of situation.

I must therefore, for his sake, take the higher road, and request that Ms. Goodman be ‘taken in hand’ so to speak. She must be put on notice that her unseemly and immoral predilections must  be contained and hidden even in the most accepting of workplace environments.

I’m sure the HSE have some programmes that would prove useful, or perhaps John of God – failing that, can I perhaps humbly suggest these guys?

Thank you for your kind attention

Alexander Jones