Ageism

Dear HR,

Last week I was required to travel to TechReCorp’s head office, or ‘The Mothership’ as it is jocularly referred to by some of my colleagues. It’s a trip I make semi-frequently, as my extensive knowledge, skills and experience are often called upon by the most senior of executives of our company.

Knowing its proximity to the founding church of the Southern Baptist group Faith Under Christian Kindness, I suppose I shouldn’t have been too surprised to find one of Pastor Al V. von Koerber’s revival ceremonies on television in the hotel. Pastor Al is a man who has famously been ‘reborn once, twice saved’ according to his biography. His ‘Praise Trinity – The Holy Threeway’ channel proved to be both enlightening and educational, and offered numerous ‘limited time offers’ to further study their particular theology. Intrigued as you might imagine, I took the opportunity to have them ship me some of their merchandise.

Whilst the Bible, signed personally by Pastor Al, was a heavily adapted version of my own catholic bible it proved not to be the greatest source of controversy for the week.

I also ordered a vial of ‘The Tears of the Redeemer^®‘. Using a patented and secret process that they describe as a ‘godly version of the unholy homeopathy’, the Faith Under Christian Kindness group have been able to harvest sub-atomic molecules of the actual tears shed by Jesus Christ on the cross. As with other homeopathic remedies the tears are not detectable in the liquid suspension in which they are delivered, but Pastor Al has certified each one as pure and true. The vial comes with a handy ring on the lid so that you can attach it to your keyring and always have it close on hand.

This particular visit took a substantial turn for the worse as I entered the office on Monday morning. To my horror, my own travels coincided with a trip by Mrs. Ophelia Gibson-Dicks. My consternation was deepened when I discovered that she was in fact to be seated in the same area to which I was assigned. I could only hope that either she or I would be too busy for our paths to cross.

On Tuesday, my package from the Faith Under Christian Kindness group arrived beautifully wrapped with their trademark ‘Three Crosses’ logo proudly emblazoned on the postage label. I opened it and, fearing the undoubted ridicule that would ensue should it be discovered, quickly put the bible in my laptop bag, the vial on my keyring and the packaging in the recycling bin. If Jesus was alive today, I feel he would be ‘green’ so recycling seemed like the ‘holy’ thing to do.

That day, as is normal, I was wearing my standard beige chino trousers and white shirt. These particular trousers have quite deep pockets, so whilst I took some comfort from knowing the ‘Tears of the Redeemer’ were on my person, the vial gave my keys a rather awkward dimension particularly as they were now resting not so much on my hip but further down my leg. I was forced to readjust the position of the keys with a high degree of frequency, which was not unnoticed by Mrs. Gibson-Dicks.

“Why do you keep scratching your crotch” she asked, loud enough for many of the people in the open plan office to notice.

I tried to explain that in fact it was my keys that were the problem, but sensing that she had an opportunity to embarrass me further she persisted in her attack.

“Do you have crabs?” she asked.

Now I have no idea what crabs have to do with anything, one minute she’s claiming that I’m scratching myself and the next she’s talking about seafood. Regardless, I decided that taking the higher ground was the only approach, I quickly shoved my hand deep into my pocket fully intending to produce the ‘Tears of the Redeemer’ and silence this benighted harpy for the remainder of my trip.

Sadly, in what I can only assume to be a manufacturing flaw, as I drew out my keys they separated the cap from the vial causing the ‘Tears of the Redeemer’ to explode over my upper thigh and general groin area – to the right if that’s important.

This offered more ammunition to Mrs. Gibson-Dicks, who roared for all to hear – ‘Good lord have you soiled yourself, or perhaps you became over excited? What has come over you?’

‘The Tears of the Redeemer have come over me that’s what’ I retorted as I stormed away.

This really forms the basis of my complaint. I think in a mature and supposedly diverse organisation we should recognise that diversity also extends to the more ‘mature’ members of staff. Whilst I’m clearly still in the fullness of my health and vitality, I do recognise that I am now an older gentleman and therefore perhaps more susceptible to the whims of nature. What if it wasn’t the ‘Tears’ on my groin? Well? What if in fact I had an issue with incontinence for example?

This is just another example of bullying and ageism which must be subject to sanction. I hope you will take this letter as the basis for an investigation into these horrid, demeaning and shockingly lurid statements by Mrs. Gibson-Dicks. Should you require further evidence, I also took some photographs of the affected area which I will gladly submit for your review.

I did approach a number of staff who were in the vicinity to assist in taking the photographs before the ‘Tears of the Redeemer’ evaporated, but was rebuffed on every occasion. Whilst I’m not making a formal complaint at this point, I do think some sensitivity training may also be in order.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Alexander