Dear HR,
I’m going to assume that this communication doesn’t come as a complete surprise. The Dublin office, strategically supported by key members of the London office held the TechReCorp annual summer party just yesterday, but it seems so long ago now.
The general theme of this event seems to be ritual humiliation followed by forced inebriation thinly disguised as team building and socialising.
For my part I had a small meditation session planned as part of my therapy to recover from the last incident. As a result I was unavailable to participate in the team building aspects of the day. In the interests of spending some time with the staff – you know how I like to share my wisdom and experience with those more junior than I – I had anticipated joining the group at the identified hotel for some tea and watercress sandwiches.
Well you can only imagine the scene I walked in to.
Sodom and Gomorrah would have paled into insignificance by comparison. Alcoholic beverages flowed like a river of sinful lubrication alongside a ‘barbeque’ that I would suggest had more in comparison with the pagan party that greeted Moses as he descended from the mount. Some poor fatted calf had clearly been sacrificed and then cruelly ground into ‘patties’ to be ignominiously squeezed between two buns. As a vegetarian, I could not have been more disturbed.
Or at least I would have thought so.
Despite these initial reactions, I needed to be strong, I felt that the people like to meet their betters every now again so I pushed on. Well, little did I know that this was some sort of annual convention of the TechReCorp pagan coven. Bad enough that we had Predator Goodman in her element but now joined by her cabal of familiars in the form of Ms. Moore and Ms. VanTramp next thing I know the queen bee herself descended upon the crowd – none other than your own Mrs. Ophelia Gibson-Dicks.
I don’t think I’m going too far to say that it was like watching the hounds at a fox hunt – the target was identified, taunted, surrounded and then torn to shreds in the most horrendous of manners. I had to turn away as poor Timmy Flynn was held aloft like some sacrificial goat on the shoulders of the main protagonist. ‘You little porker’ she howled – poor Timmy, the situation could only had been made worse if there was some ‘Enigma’ soundtrack playing in the background – The Principles of Lust perhaps or maybe The Voce & The Snake. It was horrific. This poor child’s innocence so cruelly snatched away – shameful and abhorrent.
It might all have ended there, but no, hypnotized as I was at this stage by the spectacle I found my soft drinks taking on a more pungent flavour – you know I think they might have been spiked! Swirling and shouting it was all too disorienting, with an increasingly tenuous connection to reality I found myself in the pit, a den of iniquity, a place of debauchery and deviation – the infamous ‘Copper Face Jacks’.
I really don’t know how to describe this place, I was reminded of time Delilah decided to experiment by mixing Absinthe with ‘Klean Prep’ while watching that Spartacus television show – we had to throw that white couch out afterwards – I could never look at it in the same way, and certainly could never sit on it again.
Anyway, you can only image between bumping, grinding, gyrating interspersed with the whooping and howling – poor Timmy in the middle being contorted worse than that poor girl in ‘The Last Exorcism’ – god knows what they had in mind for him, I had to preserve my own sanity and make good my escape.
I saw what was left of Timmy this morning – I didn’t check him for bite marks but I suspect that it wouldn’t be difficult to find some – he’s sitting there at his desk now, hugging himself and sort of gently rocking – he’s whispering things to himself and every now again jumps up and stares in one direction or another with real fear in his eyes. I think they snapped whatever was left of his delicate mind.
My question to you, human resources, is this – how deep does this madness go? And more importantly how much longer will you let this depravity continue? I would suggest some disciplinary action, but having seen the HR representatives in action, I fear that it would be interpreted as some form of endorsement rather than admonishment – I can certainly imagine them relishing a ‘bit of punishment’.
I’m in genuine fear for my sanity now.
Please send help.
Alexander
Dear HR 