Dear Alexander,
I feel that my link to this incident is now tenuous at best and this has moved on to some form of inappropriate relationship you have struck up with “Jeremy”. We can only trust that he actually exists and this is not a fictional character that lives purely in your imagination.
In terms of the original incident that you felt so violated in relation to, you can feel safe and secure this week as I will not be wandering around the office opening doors at random.
Kind regards,
Ms. Glenda Goodman
(forgive me if you find the signoff over familiar)
Dear HR 